Friday, July 23rd 2021
Time at the start of this entry: 11:06 PM EST
You are such a disgusting child. I remember everything you did to us. I hate seeing the ones I love in so much distress because of you. You're an ignorant and vile MANIPULATOR.
You stole from a culture that was not yours. You walked all over something beautiful and sacred to many for your own "aesthetic." But of course, it's really no big surprise. You love to take things that do not belong to you. You like to play and play until you break your toys.
I wonder how you felt while ripping apart the lives of everyone around me. Was it.. satisfying? Was it fun? You're fucking horrid. You're good at manipulation, I will give you that. But you shouldn't be proud of that, you filthy fucking swine. I used to be a disgusting person, but you take the cake. I played my mind games, but I never meant to truly hurt others. I was ill, I was scared, I was hurting. But you found fun in this. You enjoyed harming us. You forced our loved ones to partake in this sabotage as well! You KNEW it made them uncomfortable and upset.
Did you enjoy forcing us into sexual acts? Some of us were way younger than you as well. Did you enjoy sexualizing adults who hated you? Did you enjoy making paedophilic jokes towards people who had fears of being called that? I hope you're miserable. I hope you rot
Every fiber of my being wishes you were out of my life. You are obsessed with me. Leave me alone. You deserve the absolute worst. I will never forgive you for what you have done, you pig.
Part of me wishes you would just DIE already. Another part wants you to live and suffer terribly, suffer as much as I am. Part of me wants you to come back and give us the same disgusting, sickening "love" you gave us. You have trained me to believe that I am not worthy of the bare minimum. You have TRAINED my mind to be submissive, to be fearful, to be on guard, to cower. I have lost my pride and you have knocked me down. You stood on my throat and made me beg for my own basic needs. You mocked my tears when they fell, but made me comfort you and hold you when you wept. You tricked me into believing I was the one to blame. But I really wasn't. Why can't you just own up?
The worst part is that I can't touch myself without thinking of you in the worst ways possible. I can't pleasure myself without thinking about how you pressured me into getting you off, how you were so.. dirty. It makes me feel like I'm covered in filth. You fantasized about me near killing you.. you wanted me to cut you deep.. maybe I want to. Not in a sexual way though. Maybe I want to fucking kill you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't say these things. I'm a better person now.
I want to feel clean again. I want to feel safe. Please forgive me. I want to be okay.
With hatred, your beloved.
Time at the end of this entry: 11:23 PM EST